sick of being the statue...

somedays, youre the pigeon...and others, well...the statue. let me just say, today, i was definitely the statue! i LOATHEEEEE thursdays. let me just explain my weekly occurrence known as "thursday"....

7:30am - wake up

7:40am - take my shower

8:00am - leave for knoxville (UTK extension)

8:45am - arrive at knoxville

8:45-11:15am - practicum observation at UTK

11:15am - leave knoxville

11:50am - arrive back at carson-newman

12:00-1:15pm - business communications (class)

1:15-1:25pm - use bathroom and walk to next class

1:30-2:45pm - methods of teaching (class)

2:50-3:50pm - work study (side note, MINIMUM WAGE for ONE HOUR! ugh)

4:00-6:30pm - human sexuality (night class)

6:40pm - get home, use the bathroom, take out trash

7:00pm - reheat leftovers for dinner

7:30pm - work on homework (and facebook, just a little!) :)

so, please note that you did NOT see ANY food enter my schedule until 7pm. yes, i went all day on no food. its a wonder i survive thursdays. i mean, its hell, quite frankly. and its not like i have any free time to squeeze in a quick lunch break anywhere. not to mention my only income for the day was minimum wage....and by the time taxes are taken out, i made a good, eh, 5-6 bucks.

i am so over school stress its insane. my workload this semester has been harder then ever. and im not complaining because i dont want to do it, or im lazy, etc. i understand that i am in college and i have to do the work...thats not the problem. but when EVERY teacher expects ridiculous amounts of homework to be done, its impossible. i dont know how many nights its been 2-3 am and im thinking, there is NO way i am going to finish this homework and still find time to sleep tonight.

im looking SO forward to next semester and for these classes to be OVER with! bluhhhh. ok, enough complaining. i just needed to vent!!!

i hate you thursdays.

We've No Less Days...

For starters, I will start by saying "I don't know where to start".... At this point I have so many things I would like to get off my chest. This probably won't make sense, and it most likely won't apply to you. However, for my personal satisfaction-this blog is important.

On November 2, 2009...at around 5:30pm, my sweet, beautiful, grandmother breathed her last breath right in front of me. My first death I had experienced in my family; and I cannot explain the hurt and sorrow I have felt since that day. This past week has been such a blur. Quite honestly, I don't think it has completely hit me yet. And I am dreading the day when it does.

Trying to imagine the Holidays without my grandmother is impossible. It's all I have known. Since before I was born, every Christmas Eve in my family, you were to be at MurMur's house. We would have a big family dinner, followed by presents galore. This year...I feel like skipping Christmas.

Throughout this whole process I have been SO thankful for the prayers and support received from friends. I have been so blessed with friends and family. I'm not going to lie and say that my grandmother's death has brought me closer to God-because it hasn't. Some days I go from being so thankful to of been given the grandmother I had. And others, I'm disgusted at the fact that she was taken away from me.

People have said, "just be thankful she isn't in pain anymore"...I am. Or, "you will see her again some day"...I will. And the most annoying and upsetting response, "it'll get easier with time". I know people mean well, but these responses make me want to scream at them. I know she's in a better place, I know I will see her again. But for now, I'm grieving, I'm upset, I'm angry, and I'm incredibly thankful all at the same time. As for now, it isn't easy, and it doesn't appear to be getting any easier.

I miss my grandmother so much. Words can't describe. My grandmother never failed to end a phone conversation with me by saying, "We are so proud of you." That meant so much to me. My biggest prayer throughout this whole process was that God would just let her live until May for my college graduation. I so badly wanted to be selfish and just ask her to hang on...just for me; but I didn't. I absolutely fall apart when I think about walking across that stage and not seeing her in the audience being there for me. But I know she will be there. And I know she will be proud.

I continue to wear my LiveSTRONG bracelet everyday. Cancer has taken away too many of my loved ones.

MurMur, I am so lucky to be your grandson. I will miss you every single day. Every time I look at my bracelet I am reminded of you. Some days hurt worse than others, but I'm ok. I dread the Holidays without you, and I can't begin to understand what it will be like without you there. I hope you know how much I love you and miss you. I cannot wait to walk through those pearly gates and see your beautiful smile again....but until then, I will weep, I will grieve, I will be thankful, and I will get through this. Thank you for being such an inspiration to me. I look forward to the day I can tell my children about my amazing grandmother, MurMur, and how much she meant to me.

I love you.

aspire to be an esquire

so, it's official....i've lost my mind...

ive officially decided to make it my goal to go to law school. crazy, right? some people are shocked when i tell them...but im not really shocked. when i told my mom, she said, "i always knew you were going to be some time of a politician!" ... comforting, eh? lol... but anyways. my major right now is child and family studies. and in the back of my mind, family law, childrens rights attorney, etc... interested me and was a dream goal..."dream" being the key word. i would have never seriously considered law school until a pep talk from my dean.

this "dream" of mine, could easily be on the same level as, "i want to start an orphanage in Africa" type of dream...a.k.a. far-fetched! but lately, ive been realizing, graduation is only a year away. and i got tired of this conversation with people:

"whats your major?"

"child and family studies!"

"so what do you want to do with that?"
"thats a good question! i have no idea"

...this was ALWAYS the scenario. but lately, i would start answering, "well i would love to go to law school, but that will never happen"...and finally, someone responded, "why wont that happen?"...and i didnt have an answer... so i have officially decided that i am going to make my dream come true. why not? its just weird to me that i may be a "lawyer" (if i actually pass the LSAT, get accepted to a school, can afford it, and graduate!) i mean, my official signature would become, Mr. Andrew Mullins, C.F.C.S., J.D......scary.

so, ive been battling it on and off for a couple of years now, whether or not i was cut out for law school. its going to be tough, i know. i mean, undergrad school will def. look like elementary school once i step into law school. buts its totally going to be worth it! beyond my paycheck, the real reward will be making a difference in kids lives who have no voice to speak for themselves within legal issues!

so now begins the law school journey. i have sent out "request more information" emails to atleast 20-30 law schools in the south eastern united states. schools from utk college of law, to faulkner law school, to schools in WV, VA, FL, AL, GA, NC, and SC. im going at this full force! i am excited. it just feels right now! i finally feel like i have a path paved out for me...now its just my time to step aside and let God finish paving before i step in the wet cement!!!

hold fast. help is on the way...

so. its wednesday night, 6:28 pm, and a song comes on the radio, Love 89.1 (a christian radio station that i RARELY listen to). so this song starts playing, and im pretty much floored. it just happened to be the right song, at the right time. see, every wednesday night at 6:30 i teach the preschoolers at first united methodist church in jefferson city...so, of course, realizing i am already late, i continue sitting in the parking lot listening to this song. after composing myself back to sanity, i do my wednesday night thing... in this process i forgot the lyrics of the song, or the title, artist, etc. so i finally get home. scrambling through my messed up brain trying to think of the words to the song. so after coming up with like 4 words of the song, i googled, and googled, and googled, nothing. i looked on the website, nothing. i emailed the dj during that time, no response...i called the radio station, no answer. i was helplessly obsessed with finding this song. i had my radio on Love 89 for nearly 24 hours, hoping this song would come back on, and didnt.

so after a looong two days of searching for this song, my cousin gets the bright idea to try and google some lyrics i told her. 2 seconds after...she found it. absolutely made me sick! so anyways, after much searching, here are the lyrics to my new favorite song. it just so happens to fit my life in the most perfect way.

Hold Fast, by MercyMe:

To everyone who's hurting

To those who've had enough

To all the undeserving

That should cover all of us

Please do not let go

I promise there is hope

Hold fast

Help is on the way

Hold fast

He's come to save the day

What I've learned in my life

One thing greater than my strife

Is His grasp

So hold fast

Will this season ever pass?

Can we stop this ride?

Will we see the sun at last?

Or could this be our lot in life?

Please do not let go

I promise you there's hope

Hold fast

Help is on the way

Hold fast

He's come to save the day

What I've learned in my life

One thing greater than my strife

Is Your grasp

So hold fast

You may think you're all alone

And there's no way that anyone could know

What you're going through

But if you only hear one thing

Just understand that we are all the same

Searching for the truth

The truth of what we're soon to face

Unless someone comes to take our place

Is there anyone?

All we want is to be free

Free from our captivity, Lord

Here He comes

Hold fast

Help is on the way

Hold fast

He's come to save the day

What I've learned in my life

One thing stronger than my strife

Is Your grasp

So hold fast

Help is on the way

Hold fast

He's come to save the day

What I've learned in my life

One thing greater than my strife

Is Your grasp

So hold fast

easier to walk alone...

so i dont really know how to start this blog. im honestly, speechless. i feel like i have so many thoughts running through my head that there is no way to get across what im feeling. so for most of you, this will not make sense...but after all arent blogs for venting???...

as of today, i am done. i am done with my past, i am done with fake people, i am done. ive tried way too long and way too hard. i have never felt so betrayed by so many people. this may step on some peoples toes, but im sorry....youve stepped on mine long enough...apparently there is a barrier between chattanooga and jefferson city. its funny how phone calls, texts, facebook comments, emails, letters, and funny enough, friends seem to not be allowed past this certain point. i try to keep in contact with people from home, and in return, i get run over. people say, "well we just move on in life" or whatever other excuses you can come up with. im done with excuses. for once just admit your fault.

it seems so easy for people to go long periods of time without talking to me from home. i wish there was some way for me to repay this feeling to you, quite honestly. i am so numb to the pain of friendships its not even funny. im at the point now where i wish i could just pack up all my belongings and move to some foreign country, you wouldnt care! dont interpret this to be some depressing, saddened, or upset blog.....dont get me wrong. im so glad to have realized that if you dont feel you need me in your life, by all means, let me step right out of it.

ive learned lately walking alone seems to make the path easier. when someone else falls, you try your hardest to help them up. but the second you trip, or fall flat on your face, you get up to realize there is no one there. so it boils down to walking alone, and fending for yourself; or walking with a "friend" only to be left behind. so im done, this monkey is off my back.

its time for you to step up. even if this doesnt apply to you, you should consider the friends in your life, the FAMILY in your life, if indeed you have any...for petes sake pick up the phone. dont text, dont email, dont facebook, call. sometimes people like to feel important and needed.

walking alone.

questions for the careless...

Ok, so here goes blog number one.... first i would just like to go ahead and point out that my blogs will not contain correct grammar, spelling or punctuation. i hate waisting my time with capitalizing letters, etc... this is no english paper...just my thoughts...

so anyways...recently I've become very, i guess, troubled by peoples sincerity of questions. meaning, i think a lot of times people ask certain questions as, "how are you?", "how's school?"...or even "how's life." but i don't think people really want the honest answers to these questions. the typical answer or response to someone in passing or what not is "fine", "good", or "okay"....however you answer. recently when i went home one weekend i was asked these questions by people from church, etc. and when to their dismay, my answer was not "fine", "good" or "okay"... they immediately became dumbfounded...as does anyone.

i do this too. and it bugs the crap out of me now that i realize it. i mean, its like you're asking the question so that you can halfway appear to care about how the other person is honestly doing. if you don't care...don't ask. or if you do ask, and in the event someone answers honestly, be prepared...

just something on my mind lately that i felt the need to vent on. hopefully the future "blogs" will be more interesting...(side note: can i just say that using the term "blog/blogging" makes me feel like a complete and total nerd, lol...so i will refer to these "blogs" from here on out as "notes")...

temporarily frustrated.