For starters, I will start by saying "I don't know where to start".... At this point I have so many things I would like to get off my chest. This probably won't make sense, and it most likely won't apply to you. However, for my personal satisfaction-this blog is important.
On November 2, 2009...at around 5:30pm, my sweet, beautiful, grandmother breathed her last breath right in front of me. My first death I had experienced in my family; and I cannot explain the hurt and sorrow I have felt since that day. This past week has been such a blur. Quite honestly, I don't think it has completely hit me yet. And I am dreading the day when it does.
Trying to imagine the Holidays without my grandmother is impossible. It's all I have known. Since before I was born, every Christmas Eve in my family, you were to be at MurMur's house. We would have a big family dinner, followed by presents galore. This year...I feel like skipping Christmas.
Throughout this whole process I have been SO thankful for the prayers and support received from friends. I have been so blessed with friends and family. I'm not going to lie and say that my grandmother's death has brought me closer to God-because it hasn't. Some days I go from being so thankful to of been given the grandmother I had. And others, I'm disgusted at the fact that she was taken away from me.
People have said, "just be thankful she isn't in pain anymore"...I am. Or, "you will see her again some day"...I will. And the most annoying and upsetting response, "it'll get easier with time". I know people mean well, but these responses make me want to scream at them. I know she's in a better place, I know I will see her again. But for now, I'm grieving, I'm upset, I'm angry, and I'm incredibly thankful all at the same time. As for now, it isn't easy, and it doesn't appear to be getting any easier.
I miss my grandmother so much. Words can't describe. My grandmother never failed to end a phone conversation with me by saying, "We are so proud of you." That meant so much to me. My biggest prayer throughout this whole process was that God would just let her live until May for my college graduation. I so badly wanted to be selfish and just ask her to hang on...just for me; but I didn't. I absolutely fall apart when I think about walking across that stage and not seeing her in the audience being there for me. But I know she will be there. And I know she will be proud.
I continue to wear my LiveSTRONG bracelet everyday. Cancer has taken away too many of my loved ones.
MurMur, I am so lucky to be your grandson. I will miss you every single day. Every time I look at my bracelet I am reminded of you. Some days hurt worse than others, but I'm ok. I dread the Holidays without you, and I can't begin to understand what it will be like without you there. I hope you know how much I love you and miss you. I cannot wait to walk through those pearly gates and see your beautiful smile again....but until then, I will weep, I will grieve, I will be thankful, and I will get through this. Thank you for being such an inspiration to me. I look forward to the day I can tell my children about my amazing grandmother, MurMur, and how much she meant to me.
Love you. Glad the blog is back, but wish it was under different circumstances.
ReplyDeleteI'm not going to lie, you're right in thinking the holidays will be hard. I don't know exactly your traditions or your relationship with your murmur, but I do know what it is like to go through things and think "it's not right without so & so here."
And you're right in thinking that she'll be right there in spirit, although if you're like me, instead of feeling completed by it, you'll feel an ache for more.
I only sort of agree about time. Because I think, instead of things getting better, we just get used to the aches and the reminders. Sometimes they still twinge worse than you can imagine, but you learn to anticipate them and even embrace them. Eventually thinking of your murmur will make you smile, even if it still makes you sad.
I'll be praying that happens sooner, rather than later. Let me know if you need anything.
thanks emily! its good to be back :) ive missed the stress-relief writing blogs makes me feel. thanks for the encouragement!
ReplyDeleteDrew,
ReplyDeleteI've felt most of those feelings you've described...people do mean well when they say things like "at least she's not in pain or you'll see her again someday", but I like you want to see them NOW! I've found that the days leading up to the holidays are the worst! The holiday itself is sad but not as much as I thought it would be. I think it's God's grace covering us...knowing that we need HIM more that day than any. What I think is the cruelest part of life is that when you lose that dear, precious loved one...life still goes on. The sun still comes up...the moon comes out at night & everyone goes on with their life. It's hard. Just try to cherish those memories. I love you! You know that! I'm here if you need anything!
Jill