Dead End Tunnel

So, it's been forever since I have written a blog, but...I felt the urge to get some stuff off my chest. Many of you know the summarized, or Facebook statused version of my job hunt and such of the past year. So, for those of you who are reading this, let me explain.

As you all know, I graduated from college almost a year ago. May 14th, 2010 to be exact. After moving back to Chattanooga and working at the summer camp I had done for the past 3 summers, I started applying for jobs. Meanwhile, I was working 3 part-time jobs. So technically I started interview and applying, etc. in August. I have applied for hundreds, possibly thousands of jobs since then. I had no idea how hard this journey would be...emotionally, spiritually, financially, physically, so on and so on.

Many of you remember my first "real" job interview was with Carnival Cruise Line, in Miami, FL in September. I flew myself to Miami for the interview, no expenses paid. Only to realize the job was a 6 month commitment, making only $1,000/month before taxes. Working 60-7o hours a week. This was double my current workload and about $500 less a month than I was already making. So, it wasn't even a job I could consider financially. Although I was offered the job, I declined.

In October/November I applied for a job with Signal Centers in Chattanooga. It was only a PT position, but it was one in my field, with a great organization. My interview went great. I walked away knowing I had that job "in the bag". I also knew 2 current employees there and a close family friend of mine knew my interviewer very well. All 3 of these people talked to the woman who interviewed me. She informed them all that I had the job, and she couldn't wait to call me and offer me the position. I was so excited. After 2 weeks I began to wonder why I had heard I had the job, yet never officially heard anything from the agency. After 1 whole month of trying to contact them to figure out what was going on, I finally got an email back saying the grant to pay the positions salary had ended. Therefore, the job was no more. Devesated, I realized with nonprofits this was a normal thing I was going to have to overcome.

In early Decemeber I applied for a job at East Ridge Elementary with Hamilton County Dept. of Education. Getting into HCDE is hard unless you know someone, so I pulled all my "strings" in order to find an opening within the county. (With my major I am not certified to teach, but there are some "classified" jobs that I am qualified for). So, a job came open, I applied, interivewed, and was offered the position on the spot. I accepted. 2 weeks later I received a phonecall saying that the position required a teaching certificate that they "thought" I had, even though in the interview we specifically covered the topic of how I DIDN'T have my certificate. So, devesated again, this time moreso emotionally, I carried on.

After taking a few weeks for the holidays, etc. and trying to deal with the previous 2 letdowns, I found a Social Work position in Cleveland/Athens, TN that was hiring. I applied, interivewed, loved it. Left the interview again feeling as though I had the job. The woman even said, "I will talk to my supervisor today and speed this up so we can get you started ASAP." I was excited because being a Social Worker has always been a passion for me. Once again, days, weeks, months went by...never heard back from them. Emails were all unanswered, phonecalls were all unreturned.

Waiting for them to call me took up a good month. So around late February I was asked to come interview for a position with the GA Dept. of Family and Children's Services in Toccoa, GA...5 hours away. I was so excited about the opportunity to move away and start MY life. So, I took off work and went to interview for the job. It went well, although I wasn't given any specific comments that made me feel as though I had it "in the bag" so I waited a few days, hopeful that this would finally be my chance to move and start my career, only to receive and email, only with the words: "You were not selected for the job. Good luck on your hunt." I was crushed. I finally decided I was done. This was too much emotionally for me to handle not feeling "good enough"...What was going wrong? What was I not doing right? I felt like I was a joke. Here I have worked my whole life towards one goal that I can NOT reach. I broke down once I received the email. It just so happened I was at work that morning when I got it with my current boss. We talked and talked and she tried to encourage me. All I could do was cry. Sure, I am supposed to be a man and be tough. But after 5 months of let downs I had enough. That day I was staying to paint one of the bathrooms at work. After everyone left, I walked into one of the rooms, sat down in a corner, and let it all out. I was a mess. After I had composed myself I remember just thinking in my head, "God, WHAT am I supposed to be doing? What do you WANT me to do NOW?" I looked up, facing the bathroom which I had painted about 2 weeks prior. On that wall I painted this verse: "When you hope, be joyful. When you suffer, be patient. When you pray, be faithful." Romans 12:12. I just kept reading "be patient" over, and over, and over.

The next week or two I received a phone call from the Walker County Dept of Family and Childrens Services about a job opening. It was for the same position I applied for in Toccoa. This seemed perfect. I could still live here, rent free, and have a fulltime job doing Social Work. Perfect. I went through a phone screening interview and we scheduled an interview for the next week. Well, guess what, with my luck, I woke up the night before sick. I was throwing up like you couldn't imagined. I remember sitting in front of the toilet thinking you have GOT to be kidding me...long story short, I had to call and cancel my interview. I asked to reschedule. She said she would call me back with a new date and time. I never heard back.

After this I decided, alright, I am DONE with the job hunt. I will just stay in Chattanooga, continue my parttime jobs and work to get my Masters in Elem. Education. That was that. No more emailing resumes, interviews, or let downs.

In late March I received an email from a friend about a job in Knoxville with the Florence Crittenton Agency doing Foster Care work. I figured, what do I have to lose? So I emailed my resume on a Sunday afternoon. First thing Monday morning I recieved a call asking if I wanted to schedule a phone interview, so I did. It was the following Thursday. I was SO nervous. More nervous than I had been for any face to face interivew I had so far. I REALLY wanted this one. After researching their agency, etc. I fell in love with it. What an opportunity this could be. The phone interview went great. So great that we scheduled an interview for the next day!! ... I was terrified. I was determined to get this job.

It's 15 minutes before my interview, I am sitting in my car, preparing myself and praying. I remember I just kept saying "PLEASE let this workout, Lord. PLEASE" I ended it with, "If this is not meant to be, then please give me a peace of mind and direction for my future. And I will try to trust in you and be patient." But I knew it would be hard. During the interivew they pegged me with some of the hardest questions I had ever been asked. There were 3 women in the room. I answered to the best of my ability, but I walked out feeling defeated. I was so heartbroken. I knew they weren't going to call. It was the longest drive back home I felt like I had ever driven. If I wasn't emotionally broken before, I was for sure now.

My interview was Friday. Monday morning I received a call asking if I wanted a second interview with the HR Director, because the previous interviewers loved me. I was so confused. Had they meant to call someone else? Because I had already told myself I wasn't getting the job. So of course, I agreed to interview, which again, was the next day. So Tuesday I drive up again. Interviewed with just one woman who was so so kind. It went great. I had the job, I knew I did. She asked, "have you been looking for apartments here in Knoxville?" and I said, "yes, but I was waiting to hear about this job." And she replied with a wink, saying, "I can't officially offer you the position, but if I were you I would find a place to live, ASAP"...I was stoked. Finally, FINALLY, I was happy. In almost a year I felt as though I finally found where I was supposed to be. I LOVE Knoxville, I had wanted to live there after college, but it just didn't work out. In the interview she said, the agency's policy is that if you don't hear from them after the interview, allowing 1-2 weeks, to assume I didn't have the position. But that they would NOT contact me. Well, it's been two weeks. I have emailed, and left a voicemail. No replies. Nothing. I can honestly say that at this point in my life I am emotionally and spiritually at a dead end.

Where do I go from here? What the heck am I supposed to do? Why am I having to deal with all this pain and suffering? Why am I not good enough for these jobs? What am I saying/doing wrong? I wish I knew the answers. I am absolutely confused, stressed, tired, drained, upset, devestated, depressed, hurt, I have lost hope and care. I am done. I don't know what God wants me to do. Where He wants me to go. I have tried to stay on a path with my career and do the things I feel that God wanted me to do, and things that I love. I KNOW this is the field I am supposed to be in. It's just right, it's me. When I think of myself, the first thing that comes to mind is kids. They absolutely have my heart. But why can I not get a job doing this?

Through all of this people have said the typical, "just be patient", "the right job will come along", "God has something better planned", etc. etc. etc. Well, I just want to say back "easy for you to say". If it weren't for my grandfather allowing me to live in one of his homes, rent free, I would be a 22 y.o. college graduate living with his parents. I wouldn't be able to afford rent, I can't even get a loan as it is for a new car because I can't prove "full-time employment" even though I work over 35 hours a week. It's all I can do now to pay the bills I DO have. So when people tell me "be patient" and "God has a plan"....... I just don't see it. I am so tired of being let down and hurt. I want to feel "good enough"...........I just want to be happy. This has definitely been the hardest year of my life. I feel like I am in a dead end tunnel, and I am at the end. I have NO idea where to go. NO idea what to do next. I am 100% lost, confused, and tired.

I do appreciate everyones prayers and support through the process. I just want people to understand where I am coming from and to try to understand my past experiences. Don't take me for someone who is weak and gives up easily. Because I don't. I have just run out of steam right now and I guess I just have to wait. It's gonna take some time to rebuild some self-confidence and emotional strength. But I'm a fighter. I know some day I will be happy. I just wish I knew when that day was.