sick of being the statue...

somedays, youre the pigeon...and others, well...the statue. let me just say, today, i was definitely the statue! i LOATHEEEEE thursdays. let me just explain my weekly occurrence known as "thursday"....

7:30am - wake up

7:40am - take my shower

8:00am - leave for knoxville (UTK extension)

8:45am - arrive at knoxville

8:45-11:15am - practicum observation at UTK

11:15am - leave knoxville

11:50am - arrive back at carson-newman

12:00-1:15pm - business communications (class)

1:15-1:25pm - use bathroom and walk to next class

1:30-2:45pm - methods of teaching (class)

2:50-3:50pm - work study (side note, MINIMUM WAGE for ONE HOUR! ugh)

4:00-6:30pm - human sexuality (night class)

6:40pm - get home, use the bathroom, take out trash

7:00pm - reheat leftovers for dinner

7:30pm - work on homework (and facebook, just a little!) :)

so, please note that you did NOT see ANY food enter my schedule until 7pm. yes, i went all day on no food. its a wonder i survive thursdays. i mean, its hell, quite frankly. and its not like i have any free time to squeeze in a quick lunch break anywhere. not to mention my only income for the day was minimum wage....and by the time taxes are taken out, i made a good, eh, 5-6 bucks.

i am so over school stress its insane. my workload this semester has been harder then ever. and im not complaining because i dont want to do it, or im lazy, etc. i understand that i am in college and i have to do the work...thats not the problem. but when EVERY teacher expects ridiculous amounts of homework to be done, its impossible. i dont know how many nights its been 2-3 am and im thinking, there is NO way i am going to finish this homework and still find time to sleep tonight.

im looking SO forward to next semester and for these classes to be OVER with! bluhhhh. ok, enough complaining. i just needed to vent!!!

i hate you thursdays.

We've No Less Days...

For starters, I will start by saying "I don't know where to start".... At this point I have so many things I would like to get off my chest. This probably won't make sense, and it most likely won't apply to you. However, for my personal satisfaction-this blog is important.

On November 2, 2009...at around 5:30pm, my sweet, beautiful, grandmother breathed her last breath right in front of me. My first death I had experienced in my family; and I cannot explain the hurt and sorrow I have felt since that day. This past week has been such a blur. Quite honestly, I don't think it has completely hit me yet. And I am dreading the day when it does.

Trying to imagine the Holidays without my grandmother is impossible. It's all I have known. Since before I was born, every Christmas Eve in my family, you were to be at MurMur's house. We would have a big family dinner, followed by presents galore. This year...I feel like skipping Christmas.

Throughout this whole process I have been SO thankful for the prayers and support received from friends. I have been so blessed with friends and family. I'm not going to lie and say that my grandmother's death has brought me closer to God-because it hasn't. Some days I go from being so thankful to of been given the grandmother I had. And others, I'm disgusted at the fact that she was taken away from me.

People have said, "just be thankful she isn't in pain anymore"...I am. Or, "you will see her again some day"...I will. And the most annoying and upsetting response, "it'll get easier with time". I know people mean well, but these responses make me want to scream at them. I know she's in a better place, I know I will see her again. But for now, I'm grieving, I'm upset, I'm angry, and I'm incredibly thankful all at the same time. As for now, it isn't easy, and it doesn't appear to be getting any easier.

I miss my grandmother so much. Words can't describe. My grandmother never failed to end a phone conversation with me by saying, "We are so proud of you." That meant so much to me. My biggest prayer throughout this whole process was that God would just let her live until May for my college graduation. I so badly wanted to be selfish and just ask her to hang on...just for me; but I didn't. I absolutely fall apart when I think about walking across that stage and not seeing her in the audience being there for me. But I know she will be there. And I know she will be proud.

I continue to wear my LiveSTRONG bracelet everyday. Cancer has taken away too many of my loved ones.

MurMur, I am so lucky to be your grandson. I will miss you every single day. Every time I look at my bracelet I am reminded of you. Some days hurt worse than others, but I'm ok. I dread the Holidays without you, and I can't begin to understand what it will be like without you there. I hope you know how much I love you and miss you. I cannot wait to walk through those pearly gates and see your beautiful smile again....but until then, I will weep, I will grieve, I will be thankful, and I will get through this. Thank you for being such an inspiration to me. I look forward to the day I can tell my children about my amazing grandmother, MurMur, and how much she meant to me.

I love you.